Blog 1: The Beginning of Chaos

Welcome to my first blog on this website. I’m Marie and I am excited to share my thoughts and experiences on grief and getting through the chaos of it all.

I created this blog for a couple of reasons 1) To help anyone thru some of the challenges of the loss of a spouse, partner, sig. other or soulmate and hopefully help with some healing along the way. 2) Help you navigate finding yourself again as you heal and your life changes. 3) I want this to be about everyone’s journey and how to come out of the chaos and possibly find peace and yes even love again.

A special friend gave me a quote I would like to share with you: “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.”

This is so appropriate for the journey you are on I will probably refer to this in my blog a lot because it is so fitting for what we are all going through right now.

I just want to say no one grieves the same it is as personal and individual as you are. What I have experienced and gone thru might look different than yours. That is okay – I’m here to share ideas, thoughts, comfort and help us all get thru this chaos called grief.

The Chaos:

By now you have gone through the funeral /memorial planning and the service all while operating on auto pilot. It is almost like an out of body experience. I remember standing at the coffin for the receiving line for over 3 hours without a break or seat, greeting friends of my spouse, friends of family members, relatives, work friends and the list goes on. I hugged more people than ever in my life, trying to draw strength from those that offered words of encouragement. I can tell you it is not easy it is just one of those things you are expected to do. To this day I still don’t remember much at all from the viewing to the funeral services maybe that is how your brain protects you as you are trying to deal with the onslaught of emotions and feelings coming at you. It doesn’t matter if they had a long illness, a short illness, accident whatever took them from us it is a shock you don’t know if you will recover from. As I have said before your experience of this time might be different than mine that is okay. Grief is a Chaos that is here and will be here for a very long time.

Just take the next few weeks a day at a time, do not make any big decisions or purchases. Alot of family and friends will offer support and suggestions, for the support take it if you can, suggestions just take them in stride you have no clue what you are going to do or how you want to proceed that is okay you do not have to make any decisions that fast.

I took the first week to write all of our bills out what we paid, any loans that were outstanding etc. The main thing this first week or two is do you need to see a lawyer for your will or if you have no will. What is your income can you afford to live where you are. No one wants to have to have a big move with everything else you are going thru.

Don’t worry about your bank accounts yet unless they are only in your spouse’s name and not both of yours. If that is the case, you will need to see a lawyer to get help. If you don’t have a will or possibly were not actually married, you will need to see a lawyer to find out what your rights are I’m sure it will depend on how long you were with sig. other, partner, soul mate. Make these things a priority if you need to see a lawyer you need to find one if you don’t have one and get an appointment. You don’t want anything to get complicated, especially with family. That is a whole another issue that will make the chaos more overwhelming than it already is for you. Just try to breath and take one step at a time even if it is a step back instead of forward. If you have to make a list of priorities, you would like to accomplish in the next couple of days or weeks or things you have to get done.

There are a lot of scenarios that can be overwhelming, maybe you were not the spouse or partner who took care of paying bills, you have no clue where to start. Or you were the one in control of the bills and accounts but you still at this point have no clue where to start. You have just paid a big chunk of possibly insurance money on the funeral and possibly the burial plot. We had insurance but one policy was fairly new, so I only got what we had paid into it for the year, not much help there. Try not to drain your savings account or add to your credit card debt unless you have no choice.

If you are not the person who took care of the bills or money, ask a family member or friend you trust to help guide you through this process til you understand and are comfortable with doing this for yourself. If you don’t have a family member or friend talk to your lawyer about setting up someone to oversee this for you til you understand it and can take control of the money, accounts and payments needed.

Go thru your bills are their things you can cut or cancel to make the monthly burden of bills get smaller. I cut, cell phones, TV services, did your spouse own a car that you have to make payments on what is the pay off, find titles to vehicles once you get the death certificate from funeral home, head to the Title department and get things transferred to your name if they are in your spouses. If you still owe on a car that is in your spouse’s name, decide if you can do a sell back to a dealer for cash, they can pay off the loan and maybe you’ll have a little money. If it is a newer car that has a large balance check with your attorney, mine had advised to stop making payments and let them come get the car, I had already put it in my name and sold it to a dealer to pay off the loan and had a little extra back for me and the bills. It all depends on what you owe and what a dealer will offer you and what your state allows. That way you can determine if you need to sell material things like cars, trailers, boats, RV etc. Every state I am sure is a little different in what you can transfer to yourself than others, I was only allowed 1 car trailer, if you have a boat, rv etc. it falls under a different listing.

In the next few blogs, we will discuss surviving the next few weeks after the numbness wears off and relatives leave, and friends go back to their life.

What is your life now, how do you begin? What do you do when the big Now What hits you in the face?

I will be posting a new blog every other week please check back with me and lets all get Back from Chaos.

I would like to leave you with a quote for the month: “It doesn’t matter where you are coming from. All that matters is where you are going.” Brian Tracy

Please feel free to email me with any questions or concerns or topics you would like to discuss in upcoming blogs. Marie@backfromchaos.com

Please add a comment on this blog with your suggestions or concerns as we all start the long process of healing from the Chaos.

Disclaimer: I do not hold any degrees in grief counseling, I’m not a Social Worker, Doctor, Chaplin/Priest. I’m just a normal everyday working person like you who has been dealing with grief the best I can and wanted to share some of my experiences that you also might come across in your journey.