Maintaining

Maintaining that’s an interesting word it can mean to carry on, keep going, rebuild, sustain nurture and uphold. Just a few of its many meanings, I selected these as they relate to our grieving process and how we are processing our grief.

In my previous blogs we talked about right after the loss, the types of grief, counseling, and friends and family and how thing change.

Maybe within a month or two or even three after your loss things slowly get back to a routine. I did not say normal because it’s not going to feel normal for a very long time. Once you get back to work if you still work or if you are retired start your day in your new routine it will start to feel like you are making a small sense of progress.

If you do not have a routine and are just existing please try to get into some type of new habit for example, go to bed at the same time and wake up at the same time everyday whatever time makes you feel better. This will help you feel you are in control of a little bit of your life again and will help you in the long run. Try to start basic tasks you have neglected for awhile that seemed overwhelming to you, such as clean the house, yard work, gardening, flower beds just some small task to continue with a little bit of a normal routine.

The goal here is don’t sit and become a couch potato or start unhealthy habits like overeating or drinking to dull your pain these are only short-term relief and in the long run will cause more harm than good and you are already dealing with more than the normal person you don’t need to add this to your plate. I know right now you are staring at a mountain of pain, grief, and what do I do now questions! You can not move that mountain it isn’t going any where soon, we need to find another way around it.

Some of us have now been thrust into roles you never had to do or think about like, shopping, cooking, yard work, mowing, repairs, laundry and I’m sorry to say the list goes on and on. We just need to start slow and small if we can get organized or ask for help when and where it is needed. If you’re like me and are not a person who asks for help easily, you’re in for some hard lessons. Some mechanical things and definitely electronics are not my friend.

I also started a bad habit of running around all weekend when I was not at work, so I wasn’t home to long on my own, this caused me physical exhaustion and buying things I didn’t need. You cannot replace your spouse or deal with your grief by over shopping, drinking, eating, gambling or anything in excess because at the end of the day you still are alone and have all the grief and pain it is not going anywhere no matter how fast you run or overdo and you are only going to do a face plant into that mountain instead of finding a way around it. Sometimes you need to go thru this to see the whole mountain in front of you just make sure to stop yourself from continuing it will not help in the long run if you do not get a handle on yourself.

There is no easy way around this mountain it is a long treacherous journey you have to make on your own and at your own pace. Having family and friends will help the journey but ultimately it is yours only to make and how you start and continue will determine the length of this journey.

I am almost 2 1/2 years into my Chaos, and I can tell you sometimes I think I can do this and other times I’m a total mess and have a meltdown. The worst part is when it sneaks up on you unexpectedly. Unfortunately, you have no control over this. My crying myself to sleep has become less and less. I have not journaled as often but still do at least once a week or even every other week it does seem to help.

I know this isnt a very long blog this week maintaining is such a broad topic and is kind of one of those topics that depends on you and where you are in your journey because it is as individual as your grief.

Some of you may not be ready to even think about maintaining as you are doing just doing good to get through one day at a time that is ok there is no time limit on getting through your grief. Even though people around you who are not going thru it might be thinking how long will you be going to be like this, to those people I say as long as it takes and be glad you are not going thru this yourself.

I know the first counseling session I went to we introduced ourselves and a lady was into her 2nd year and was crying like it was new. Now remember I had just lost my spouse and had not even begun to process anything, I thought to myself am I going to be like that still in 2 years? It scared me but the answer is probably.

Next blog we will discuss dealing with dealing with everyday things that come up. I hope you will join me. Leave me a comment if there is anything you would like to discuss further.