As you continue on this journey of grief that no one wants to ever be on; there are a lot of unknown feelings and components that make up this new chaos we are trapped in.

In the last blog we touched on what kind of grief you might have or even a combo of both. This helped me by realizing nothing was wrong with me, that I was grieving the only way I knew how to because of how I am wired.

In this blog I would like to discuss a few things like triggers, counseling and working on a plan to handle things as they arise.

Counseling:

Let me just say there are lots of options out there you need to find one that fits you and your situation and level of grief. If you have children of any age that seem to be struggling, please seek counseling for them and yourself on how to help them deal with their grief. I have been to 3 different counseling sessions / meetings if you like.

1) A counseling service offered at a church; this was suggested by the pastor who did the funeral services who was also a friend of my spouse. The session began a few weeks after the funeral. This was way too soon for me. I really hadn’t even come to terms with the loss of my spouse let along begin to understand the grieving process to understand what they were talking about. I only attended 2 sessions I just felt to out of place and uncomfortable.

2) Several months later when I was having doubts about how to grieve and if I was normal or something was wrong with me, I went to a couple of sessions they offer for free at Hospice with a social worker. This helped a little that is where I learned of the different types of grief and was relieved to know what and how I was feeling were a normal response for me. I only attended maybe 3 sessions, I just have never been one to share my feelings and emotions with people. I just felt in this session we just kept going over the same thing we had just been over. I did call toward the end of the first year to see if they offered any type of group therapy, but they had to talk to me to see what group I would fit into, so I decided if I needed to fit into a group for grief maybe this wasn’t for me I never really fit into any type of kind sort of like a square in a round hole.

3) In the summer last year, a church offered a 1-day session for those who had lost a spouse. This was a great session, I got to interact with other grieving survivors and talk to them about what they were experiencing and going through. We all had the same type of raw pain and coping issues we laughed and cried and shared. This was the best meeting I ever have been to and wished it was more than 1 day long. I cannot go into any details on what we discussed as it is private for every group session. But if you find one in your area for loss of a spouse, I encourage you to go it will be well worth your time.

As you see there are a wide variety out there you just need to find one that fits you and where you are at in your grieving process or how you are feeling within yourself at the moment. Every one of these counseling workshop/meetings are meant to help you understand what you are going thru and hot to deal with everything coming at you emotionally. They are not going to stop the pain, loneliness, anger or chaos they are meant for you to know it is part of the healing process and how you might use there guidance to cope with what you are going through.

There will be times your despair is so great you don’t think you can go on or face another day. If you ever get to the point of thinking of harming yourself or any thoughts of suicide, please stop take a step back and call a friend, family member, hotline anything. You will make it thru this it just takes a lot of time.

These feelings I think at some point maybe your breaking point I’m not sure everyone questions why them and not me? But I am sure everyone questions a lot of things during this period. Why was I the one left here?

Triggers:

This will be unique because there are so many, and they are all different for everyone. Mine are cooking a particular dish, going to certain restaurants, special events, drinks etc. Sometimes just sitting outside when people are mowing their yards, daily routines you had like calling on your way home from work to discuss dinner.

I did all the shopping so the first trip to the store put me in shock mode. I made a short list and in I went and needless to say I just went up and down a few isles and left with no groceries. I had no clue what to buy, how do I buy for just me? What did I want from the store? I really wasn’t cooking at home yet. I was so freaked out it took a while to muster up the nerve to go back a few weeks later. I still did not buy much.

Lastly working on a plan:

I know I know we are no way ready for one but unfortunately, we have to start a little with baby steps. By plan I don’t mean thinking 2-3 years down the road, I mean day by day, week by week it maybe all we can handle. We just need to set up a few goals to reach for to keep going forward. Keep your ideas small, going to the grocery store, planning on eating at a restaurant my yourself, just calling and talking to family and friends.

I bought a plain notebook and started a journal I have never ever done anything like that before but started out with xx days since I lost you – then I just let my spouse know how I was doing, what I was doing, how much I missed them. I did that for several days in a row then every other day then once a week or special occasions or disasters or whenever grief hit me hard. It was like a release valve for my emotions I cried but wrote my thoughts, wrote sorry letters for asking him to fight thru his illness, wrote regrets, strange family dynamics that come into play, strange ways of our friends, there are a lot of tears in that journal, but it helped make me feel connected in a way that I needed to get thru my grief. This is just a suggestion that helped me, maybe make some plans to plant flowers or garden something you enjoy that helps give you release from your pent-up emotions.

Let me know how you are dealing with your emotional chaos or if you want me to touch on a particular topic.

See you in the next blog.

We will dive a little deeper on how to keep your head above water and dealing with friends and family.