Change is in the Air

Hard to believe summer is almost over. It seems like since my loss the years are on warp drive going faster and faster.

But why has my grief not taken off and gone away? Why is it lingering? When will I ever feel like me again? Will I ever get my life back? What happens if I can’t adjust or don’t want to then what? Will I ever be happy again? Will I ever want to see anyone again or get close to anyone?

These are all very real and valid questions that someone mourning the loss of a spouse, significant other, or partner feels in some way or another maybe not at 1 time but most of these questions over several weeks, possibly even months or a year or more.

Now don’t get discouraged some of these will resolve themselves on their own while others take time to get thru. Change is never easy and if you are someone who resists change it will be harder and longer for you. Now not being negative here but I feel some of the older generations of us will not want to go thru these changes, that is okay if you are comfortable the way you are living your life that is all that matters. But if you have some of these questions try to see if you can help ease your grief by working thru some of them.

Let’s hit on a couple of questions “When will I feel like me again?” Short answer – Never –

That you is gone because everything you were or did was as a result of being a couple and sometimes that means you were of one mind, one way of thinking, one life. And depending on how long you were together it will be harder to get yourself back. This is the worst part of the grief the loss of your other half your other self.

You’re dealing with all these emotions and feelings and feel lost and alone adrift in an ocean only you can see and are in. This is going to take time and healing. Once you start the processing your loss and start working through things the old you slowly slip away. Now when this happens depends on you and how you handle your loss and process everything, we are not talking that this will happen in the next month after your loss I’m talking years.

Once you start to slowly rebuild new routines, habits etc… and now you can start to focus on you. This can be hard to grapple with because the old you is still with you always but you start slowly to may be do things on your own, start to create new habits, new routines, try something new you thought about but never did. It takes time no one likes to let go. Just remember the old you is always with you he/she is just taking the back seat now, while the new you start their journey. Don’t worry you will never ever forget why you are on this journey your loss is now part of you and always will be you are not losing site of your loved one.

I can’t tell you how to start or where to begin everyone is different. For me I just started with small things sometimes it was things that I was uncomfortable with doing and tried to make them not so uncomfortable, like started taking walks around my neighborhood, then I joined a gym very slow start but something is better than staying stuck in the past that is no longer part of my future. Start making new plans and look to the future for how you see yourself in maybe 5 years down the road. If there was a place you always wanted to travel to see, maybe start planning to take that trip.

What I do know is there were a lot of things we were planning on doing once I retired and now it is too late. I don’t want to wait anymore I want to try to do things, go places while I can. I know it won’t be easy and yes it will be in my uncomfortable zone, but I want to at least try. I know every road has twists and turns and some speed bumps just don’t let that stop you. Your spouse, sig. other, partner would not want you to they are rooting us on to live a good life.

Next – “Will I ever be happy again?” I truly believe you will! I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but your grief does ease up as the years pass it never really goes away but it is like the old you it takes the back seat.

Seeing joy come back to my life has been a true blessing to me this year. Now I’m not saying you will suddenly turn into freaking Mary Sunshine, but it is a slow return to joy. I still have moments where grief jumps to the front seat and tries to take over, but those days are getting less frequent than last year and the year before. I just know for myself I feel lighter like some of the weight has been eased off my shoulders.

Depending on where you are on your journey be it just starting, 1 year out, 10 years out I hope you can all find joy again.

Next blog we will discuss adjust to this new life or not to adjust…