March

March is the month for change, daylight savings time goes back to normal. Days are longer, winter fades and spring showers start.

So how is it I don’t feel the change, I feel stuck in limbo not going forward trying not to go backwards. With March the cloudy days with rain showers and heavy winds seem to fit my new mood lately.

Only 2 1/2 months int the new year and I have already been to enough funerals for the whole year. A beloved niece, friends of my deceased husband, some of his older family members and just recently a parent of my son’s friend from high school. It has been nonstop. Seems everyone you talk to has been going thru this same cycle lately. Why what has changed this year to make it so full of grief.

With all this emotional chaos my own emotions have come undone. I feel like my mountain of grief that I had started to go around has just increased in width in just a few short months.

I know I have even said at times things become less painful, but I was not prepared for a year like this. I find myself tearing up for small reason or no reason at all, then crying late at night from all my pent-up emotions. Death is hard to deal with you just walk numbly through it but once the funeral or memorials are done the real grief begins and it just keeps coming in wave after wave.

I provided my sister with a blank journal and explained how writing out your feelings, emotions, and thoughts can help you get through the first couple of years. I still write in my journal just not as often because I thought I was in control of my grief. Well that backfired on me this year.

Grief never goes away it is just a new part of who you are now. It is up to you whether you make it take over your life or you try to get some control over it so it can be silently in the background. This is not an easy process it will tear at your very core but once you have worked through some of the grief it will get better but there is no timeline, and everyone is different on how they get control. Sometimes even on your best day it lets you know it is still around.

I am not sure how the rest of the year will be but I do know I am struggling to get back in control of the chaos of my grief so I can continue to grow and heal and find myself again.

I know this is a shorter blog but just wanted everyone to know I am still here, and the battle still continues.