Hurdles/Holidays

The definition of hurdle is a barrier, problem or obstacle that one needs to overcome in order to make progress.

Wow is that us while we navigate thru our grief process. As the holidays near I feel a lot of people will really have a lot of hurdles to get over or thru. Unfortunately, there is no way to stop time it just keeps marching on oblivious to what you feel or where you are at in your progress.

The thing we need to try to do is not let all this derail some of our progress we have made so far. You noticed I said some because it will knock us over on some of our progress. That is to be expected. With the holidays on the way so will the rainstorm of emotions. Sorrow, loss, regret, depression, guilt just to name a few.

You might look at my list and say Guilt why is that on there? Well, at times you feel guilty for being the one still here, you feel guilty if you find a little joy in the holidays. I think you get the picture. This will be a hard emotion to get thru during the holidays the rest of the hurdles are hard too, but guilt is a strong emotion to work through. I am almost 3 years in and still have bouts of guilt, regret and sorrow. Thankfully it is not every day like it is at first. Guilt is getting a little easier or maybe I am just more accepting of my situation and try not to react to negativity as much as before. It can one of those high hurdles to get over.

Now don’t get me wrong there are still lots of things to set your grief off track, but I try to not let so many little things derail me like before.

But back on track Holiday Hurdles…

Holidays are known for traditions new/old/family etc. some of these will change either for a little while or permanently. Gathering with friends and family over the holidays will also change.

These all trigger that different levels of grief. You’re going to have to let yourself feel some of these emotions so you can work through them maybe one at a time. By that I mean if decorating for Christmas was always a joint venture or one you did by yourself but was enjoyed by your spouse maybe just decorate less or only things you cherish or bring you good memories and joy.

The first year I had no tree the second year I bought one of those plants they sell at Christmas time with bulbs already on it. This year I am not sure what I want to do my son says I need to buy a new tree; I just don’t know if I am up for that or not.

Holiday get togethers if they make you uncomfortable or hesitant to accept maybe go but limit the time you spend there or don’t attend. People just don’t understand the stress this puts on you because you may not be ready for spending time with other couples while you are alone. Family gatherings can be just as difficult they all mean well but sometimes you just are not ready for any social activity yet. I still cringe when someone invites me to things. I really have to decide if I can handle it or not depending on my state of mind at the time.

Now I am not saying from the end of October til past the new year you need to be shut away like a hermit and lock yourself in a dark room.

But you might feel like that is what you want to do. Just know going to gatherings alone hurts alot. People don’t know how to act or talk to you yet as a newly single person. Most times when I leave, I swear I am not doing that again… but I do. Sometimes you have to push yourself to try to be social but don’t do it til you feel you are ready. Unfortunately, you now have to start to put yourself in uncomfortable situations to learn and grow thru your grief hurdles.

And for the Love of do not let anyone try to fix you up with another widow or widower or newly divorced / single person it is way too soon for all that!

Thats a whole nother blog!

Just try to prepare yourself best as you can that holidays will be rough there will be lots of tears and sorrow but don’t let that destroy some of your progress you have made so far.

You can do this and remember – 1 step at a time and you will get over that first hurdle and before you know it when you turn around there will be lots of hurdles you have overcome.