Regrets

You know the song that begins “Hello darkness my old friend…”

That is how regret feels in your grief process. This is a hard one to work through and sometimes rears it’s ugly head at odd times. The dictionary says regret is feeling sad, repentant, disappointed over (something that has happened or been done, especially a loss or missed opportunity).

This is exactly what you feel every single day during your grief process and the hardest to work through. Regret can be the simplest of things or a tone of things all rolled into one.

Regret not having enough time to say goodbye, not enough time to share your feelings or expressing your love for your spouse, partner, significant other.

Regret not getting around to planning a vacation, visiting family and friends more often or maybe just being in the moment with them or sharing hobbies or just being with them period.

Regret how fast your time together went bye. Not planning the future better, cross words or that last fight or sore feelings all over trivial things now.

I think you get the idea and I’m sure you might have more to add to this list.

I have found writing in my journal to my spouse has helped. I wrote a letter about all the unresolved issues, missed opportunities, missed vacations, professing your feelings. This really does help take a little of that regret away because it is saying it out loud and clearing your mind of these thoughts, it is definitely a good first step. I also find myself expressing things when I go to the cemetery to visit or do cleanup. Making a new season flower arrangement also helps because it is a way of still showing you care and are thinking about them always. Now I know not all cemeteries allow arrangements but I’m sure you can spend some time there to air some feelings with them.

My spouse passed very quickly after getting his diagnosis, which didn’t leave time to talk, plan, express feelings, it was a time of disbelief and running around on shock. There was so much to do it was hard to focus on anything else and he was pretty much sick and in bed too weak to stay up long or talk about much. I don’t know if a long illness is any better at getting you ready or for expressing yourself more I would only hope so.

As with anything there is no one size fits all even in grief.

Two and a half years out and I still have regrets probably always will, but they are not always front and present like at first. I try to focus on the here and now and try to live for both of us. Sometimes you have to get out of your comfort zone but once you have it is a very freeing feeling.

What do I mean – possibly planning a vacation you both wanted to go on, tackling projects that might have been one of the things your spouse always did. For example, deciding on colors to paint a room and painting it yourself, rearranging furniture, making large purchases or yes even selling something of theirs.

It all begins with that first dreaded step forward. You can do this just start slow.

Regrets are something you have to learn to live with and deal with them one on one and hopefully you will concord some of them. Some of them will always be there but maybe they will not be in the forefront of your grief as much as they were in the beginning.