December

I want to start my blog off today with this quote I found it fitting to what I have been feeling and dealing with lately and maybe you can relate to it too.

“Grief has no expiration date; it refuses to be rushed, though others don’t understand. Hearts mend in their own time. You’ll heal when you heal; until then each day is the longest journey.” by John Mark Green

This is a very good quote because I am almost 3 years into my grief, and I must say this has been the most challenging and emotion filled year for me. I am not an overly emotional person but let me tell you I have cried enough tears in the past 3-4 months I think I could fill a small stream or fish tank.

The last 2 months of the year are the hardest for most people with holidays and family traditions and get togethers. Any type of gathering causes me anxiety because I know I am going to be the odd man/woman out in the crowd. And me being an introvert just makes matters worse. I truly think people still don’t know what to say or act around you, so it is awkward for everyone. Even though these situations cause me anxiety I still go I try to push myself to get out of my comfort zone at times.

That being said I still have difficulty doing things on my own, I have been trying to make myself go to a movie which is a concert a musical group filmed so more people could experience it for Christmas it is for a limited time only. I have look at seats and times and almost pushed the purchase button but still have not been able to do so. I’m frustrated with myself but just feel too awkward and out of place yet. The second year I tried to go out to eat on my own in a restaurant and had so much anxiety I didn’t really enjoy my meal. I know I need to push myself into uncomfortable situations to be able to adapt. That is my goal for the new year to try a few new things on my own.

I’m going to get off track for a minute just hang in there with me. I saw a post from another blogger one time that she had to fill out a form and had to mark single, widow, married; she had to ponder for a while as we are now single. But after a little while she decided to mark widow. She marked that because she wanted to be recognized that she had meant something to someone, and she had known love.

I liked that idea and thinking. For the first year and maybe a little bit of the second if someone asked if I was married, I always replied yes. I just wasn’t ready to give up that status and move on. This year I have been wearing my wedding rings a little less than normal just trying to still get use to the notion of being on my own. I really hate the term widow or widower I know it is just a word, but it cuts my heart every time I have to use it.

Back to the Holidays and gatherings whether this is your first or 10th year it is hard. I think it always will be til maybe you find love again, but I truly believe you still will never forget or feel a loss. You are changing traditions and trying to create new ones and new memories. This is never easy as some people embrace change as a challenge the rest of us fight change tooth and nail.

I’m just hoping the new year will bring a more sense of calm to my emotions as I forge ahead with my new life.

I would like to end with another quote I heard it seems everyone is struggling with grief this year. I normally don’t see many quotes or hear people refer to their grief that actually resonates with me.

“Grief is just love with no place to go.” by Misha

From my family to yours I wish you all a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. I’ll see you all next year as we all try to come back from the chaos.

Marie